The End

"If we could see the end so clear

We'd surely lose our fears"

 

Twenty years ago, I attended a church conference called Especially for Youth. Along with activities, classes, dances, and service projects, we were given a CD (like I said, it was 20 years ago) with songs composed and recorded especially for that year. I listened to that CD countless times over the next several years, but now I can remember only two things from it: the version of I Believe in Christ and one lyric from an original song that says "If we could see the end so clear We'd surely lose our fears." 

This line meant a lot to me over those years. I remember having moved across the country to Memphis, TN to work at a radio station and being laid off after two months. I wasn't sure whether to stay there and find a job, go with my radio mentor to Maine, or go back home so I prayed and prayed. Finally, the answer I received was, "Write in your journal." Not really the answer I was looking for, but it was the one I needed. 

I started writing in a journal every day. In fact, I carried several journals with me at all times, including a sketch journal in which I made a visual representation of that song lyric that had stuck with me so well. I drew a path stretching to the horizon and beyond, with a little square of the end, magnified. I knew that although I was scared about where my life was going immediately, I knew where my ultimate path was heading and I didn't need to fear what I'd face along the way. 

I continued to write and pray and felt impressed to stay in Memphis and take a job my church leader found for me, nannying in France. As soon as I made the decision to stay everything fell in line. I heard about a couple of girls from church who needed a third roommate and I not only could afford the rent, but they were happy to drive me places (I didn't have a car) and became wonderful friends. The nanny job allowed me to travel and see places I'd only dreamed of, which opened up my mind to the possibilities that were out there; I understood that I could really do things I'd thought were beyond me. 

I learned so much from my experiences and from that little song lyric. I've faced plenty of big fears since then - challenges, opposition, grief - but my fear has always been smaller than my faith. I can see the end. However, my smaller fears, like those of failure, continue to hold me back without my even realizing it. 

I've been reading a lot about visualization techniques and positive affirmations. I'll admit, these had always seemed hokey to me, but I'm beginning to see how effective they can be. One of the reasons I have trouble with meeting my goals is that I don't have a clear picture of what the end will look like, so I can't see the path that leads me there. I'm working on a positive affirmation statement for myself that sums up who I want to be.

That is my goal for this week. 

 

Song: Jake White - Memory Lane